


be still.

by courage_of_stars



Series: i'll take your hand when thunder roars. [3]
Category: The Try Guys (Web Series), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: (Marriage proposal on the way ♡), Addiction, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Trauma, Cuddling & Snuggling, Divorce, Dysfunctional Family, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Mental Health Issues, Past Drug Use, Recovery, Romance, Self-Destruction, Therapy, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:07:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27162953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/courage_of_stars/pseuds/courage_of_stars
Summary: "You mean like...?" His breath hitches on a sob. "Like how I want my future with you?"---(A thunderstorm invites a confession.)
Relationships: Zach Kornfeld/Eugene Lee Yang
Series: i'll take your hand when thunder roars. [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1696462
Kudos: 30





	be still.

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: mental health, dysfunctional family, divorce, self-harm, self-destruction, EDNOS, drug use, alcohol, addiction, homophobia, childhood trauma, implied NSFW
> 
> Shane and Ryan: [in the darkness, would you call in the name of love?](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1655962)
> 
> Steven and Andrew: [ & all i can breathe is your life. (have heart, my dear.)](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1780078)
> 
> **Please do not share this with The Try Guys, Buzzfeed Unsolved, Worth It, Watcher Entertainment, or any other RPF individuals. This is not for them to read. Thank you!

When Eugene checks the final bedroom window to be locked, he exhales. It doesn't lift all the weight off the man's chest. But at least, some anxiety alleviates. Silently, Eugene approaches the bed. He sits down on his half where the covers are drawn back. Eugene fixes the blankets over Zach, so the man stays warm. Zach sleeps on his side, facing Eugene, hand waiting to be held by his partner again.

A crawling spreads across Eugene's arms.

Or rather, it exists right below the epidermis. Eugene wonders if Shane experiences a similar sensation-- invisible, yet still mildly abhorrent. The first time Eugene saw Shane's bare arms, he understood how the scars were created. Crescent moons. Jagged lines. Shane must've scratched and clawed at himself with deep severity. Once, Shane saw Eugene's gaze linger on the marks. The apprehension in Shane's eyes disappeared when Eugene angled his body towards him. It was a silent invitation for Shane to lean against Eugene, and rest his head on the man's shoulder. Sometimes, quiet acceptance, good company, and sharing a bottle of Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey are what's needed.

Eugene's been unclothed on-camera more times than he can count. Most people would never assume he's familiar with self-inflicted damage. But Eugene has never been a stranger to the vice. It's by Eugene's design that no marks last for long on his body. During childhood, it wasn't possible to risk wearing scars that could be discovered by family and the church.

But his sisters might've known. Perhaps his father. Certainly his mother. None of them ever said anything. Just like how Eugene held his tongue about their secrets.

The crawling is a horde of phantom parasites in different forms. A mutating shapeshifter. Exhausting insomnia. Perpetual depression. In-denial anxiety. What's spat out from the amalgamation is like pulling the lever on a slots machine. Companionship in alcohol. Forgetting to eat. Extreme workaholism. Checking every lock at home multiple times. 

Eugene debates on going into the living room, pulling out his laptop, and answering e-mails that can wait. It's not uncommon for the timestamp of Eugene's e-mails to read anywhere from 1AM to 6AM. More than one co-worker has tentatively brought it up. Especially Ned, Keith and Zach. They reassure Eugene that he doesn't need to stay up all night going through his inbox when he should be resting. Eugene understands and appreciates everyone's concern.

However, a part of him finds their worries as...odd? After growing up in a family that's always constantly doing _something,_ it feels strange, even _wrong_ to be doing _nothing._

On the rare occasion when his mother would have a day off, she would clean the house. Every room. Every surface. Even when she cleans intensely after work, she still cleans on the weekends. Her children are expected to follow the same strict regime. Vacuum the carpets. Sweep the floorboards. Wipe every shelf. Reorganize the collection of Tupperware containers by shape and size. Stack them up in neat columns. Align them all perfectly. When their mother moves through the house operating on maximum efficiency and productivity, all her children follow suit.

The fear that the sky will fall if you're not always working is drilled into Eugene and his sisters. It's praised as hard work ethic. As Korean immigrants, Eugene's parents only strived to ensure their children would be successful. And success isn't given. It's something you work for. So, his mother and father did what they believed was best.

But was it _right?_

It's a question that haunts Eugene and his siblings. None of them talk about how they struggle with sleeping, eating, and generally taking care of themselves. Eugene wonders if they'll ever talk about anything.

Maybe Elisa still resents Eugene for not keeping the family together, and her being pressured to be the perfect child. Even when Eugene's the first-born and only son, none of that matters in the eyes of their extended family. Because he's gay. And he's not conservative, not religious, not having a 'real job', the list goes on and on. It leaves his older sister to be the perfect one by traditional Korean standards. Elisa's never outright said anything mean-spirited, condescending, or disapproving to Eugene. But silence speaks louder.

Maybe Esther's still scarred from Eugene going off the rails, and self-destructing almost beyond hope. She caught him kneeling in front of the toilet. She found him almost blackout drunk. She discovered his pills. Eugene should've been helping his little sister through middle school and high school. Instead Esther had to take care of Eugene, because he was fucking himself up to the nines. Eugene has a feeling that Esther's afraid of him-- afraid of how Eugene will hurt himself again, and maybe go too far next time.

Eugene doesn't know if he should be comforted or scared about seeing his parents in himself over time. Plastic containers in stacks organized by shape and size. Wiping down an invisible smear a dozen times. Throwing seriously needed conversations onto the back burner. Never relaxing. Never breathing. Always working.

The e-mails screaming like sirens grow louder. Relentlessly strident. Eugene's body begins leaning away from the bed.

But Eugene stops when Zach shifts slightly, and reaches towards the empty side of the mattress. He watches Zach bury his face into Eugene's pillow. After a deep breath, Zach nuzzles against the fabric. A sleeve paw tucks under his chin with fingertips peeking out of the fabric. A hint of a smile brushes across Zach's face.

Swallowing hard, Eugene attempts to keep down the rising ache in his chest. It's still hard to believe that this is _their_ bed. _Their_ home. The beginning of tears touch at the corners of Eugene's eyes.

What the Hell did Eugene do to be with someone like Zach?

He draws an invisible horizontal line across Zach's left ring finger. For a while, Eugene has known that he wants to marry this man.

And that's absolutely, utterly terrifying.

If he organizes plastic containers in stacks by shape and size like his mother, and always brings work home like his father-- will Eugene someday file for divorce like they did?

Eugene hasn't forgotten the stunned look on his therapist's face when he voiced this question out loud. Eugene doesn't blame them. He knows how absurdly bizarre the question sounds. It's not a jump from Point A to Point B. It's a fucking quantum leap from Point A to Point Z. Maybe even to a Point that exists in another dimension all together. But his therapist reminds Eugene that it's a valid fear. And it may help to have an open conversation about this fear with Zach.

Eugene almost walked out right there and then.

Why _the fuck_ would Eugene break Zach's heart by bringing up marriage, then reveal his terrors about a potential divorce?

To say that Eugene's mildly frustrated with therapy is an understatement. Rationally, Eugene knows therapy is positive and impactful. Eugene fiercely advocates for it. Everyone should have equal access to mental health support and resources. It's a cause The Try Guys team believes in, and seeks to promote through their platform.

But when it's therapy for _Eugene?_ That's a fucking different story.

Therapy goes against everything Eugene was taught during childhood. The one time Eugene even uttered the word _'therapy'_ at the dinner table, all Hell broke loose. It was on par with Eugene not winning 1st Place at the piano recital. Or not scoring 100% on a pop quiz. So, the boy's made to kneel on the ground by the wall, and hold his closed hands above his head for hours. They say discipline will make Eugene stronger, and prayer will make him better.

Around midnight, Eugene's released from kneeling by the wall. In the bathroom with air vents on, and the water running, the boy's on his knees again. The cold tiles are bruising, but he's grown numb to the sensation. Same goes for the taste of stomach acid. After cleaning the crime scene, Eugene stays up to finish assignments not due until a week later.

Too many whisperings occur at Korean School on Saturday, followed by church on Sunday. Adults, teens and even children murmur about a pastor's 'mentally sick' daughter burning a hole in the family's pocket. Eugene learns never to ask for help again. To be a financial burden, and bring shame to his family? That's not possible.

Terror already reigns in the twelve-year-old boy's heart. Someday, he's going to disappoint everyone, because he's a boy that likes boys. Eugene doesn't believe being gay is wrong. But that doesn't erode any of the fear away. Dread and fright fill his insides like glacier water. Something is poisoning Eugene from the inside. And his sisters. And the children around them. But sitting with a therapist is never an option. For Eugene, there's only kneeling at the church pews, by the living room wall, and on unforgiving bathroom tiles.

He's not a child anymore. He's in his thirties. Even when his stomach churns, arms burn, and knees ache, Eugene chooses to seek out professional help. There are too many shipyard wrecks Eugene's tired of dragging around. He doesn't want to weigh down Zach, their friends, The Try Guys, or anyone else with this anymore. And slowly, Eugene's opening up to the idea that he deserves to breathe without cold water in his lungs.

The man's mind grows too loud. His skin crawls even more. Eugene's about to give into the temptation of immersing into work at 4AM. He can do just a dozen e-mails. Five? Two? And maybe go through some raw footage, mark which areas to edit into a rough final cut. And brainstorm some concepts for videos months later--

A deafening peal of thunder roars. Nature's ferocity shakes the walls. Eugene dives into bed, and curls up against Zach. Suddenly being jostled around stirs Zach awake.

"Gene...?" Drowsiness runs roughly in Zach's voice. Still more than half-asleep, Zach barely registers the sound of a thunderstorm. He blinks more awake once realizing his boyfriend's holding onto him. "Gene, babe--" His hand rubs Eugene's back. "What's wrong?"

Guilt stabs inside Eugene. The man wonders how deep he needs to dig inside to get rid of this metal debris. "Sorry for waking you." His words muffle against Zach's heather grey shirt.

Technically, the long-sleeve shirt belongs to Eugene. Zach tends to wear his partner's clothes at home. Eugene presses his face into the black _'ROCK & ROLL'_ typography. His hand brushes over the crimson pentagram, and some blazing letters spelling out _'BUCKAROO'._

"No, it's okay." Zach kisses the dark waves, and goes on playing with Eugene's hair. "I was missing you. In my sleep. Usually you're in my dreams, but...this time, I was in Jurassic Park. _With Shane and Ryan._ " The pause implies what a fucking catastrophe that was. Zach shakes his head. "If I stayed in that dream little longer, I'm sure you would've shown up. But I like this--" Giggling, Zach squeezes Eugene in a hug. "--the most."

No one should be allowed to be this cute when they're sleepily rambling. Not even Zach. Flustered, Eugene buries his burning face into his boyfriend's chest some more. He feels the vibrations of soft laughter. As it quietens, Eugene hears more of Zach's steady heartbeat.

"Wow." A note of awe rings in Zach's voice. "It's actually raining in LA. Freaking thunderstorm too."

As if on cue, another peal of thunder tears the sky apart. Eugene tenses. Zach holds him closer.

"I'm not scared of storms," Eugene says, even though Zach never assumed. "I just..." His voice trails off. Fingers curl into Zach's shirt until the fabric almost strains. Maybe it would be easier if he was scared of thunder and lightning.

But Eugene's afraid of these restless nights when he grows too aware of his own existence. And how he still hasn't mended bridges with his siblings. And when too many heavy thoughts lead him down a spiral.

"I'm with you, Gene," whispers Zach. A gentle exhale brushes across Eugene's hair. "Right here."

Simple words. But they reach deep into Eugene, and anchor him. Eugene tightens the embrace. When Eugene tilts his face, Zach gives him a kiss. A light brush of the lips. 

"It's our day off." With a smile, Zach asks, "What do you wanna do today?"

Eugene stares at Zach. This beautiful, brilliant, kind man who struggles to see all of that in himself. Eugene traces his fingers down Zach's face. When he gently pokes at the dimple, Zach giggles. The sound is heartwarmingly adorable.

"Would you...be open to trying something with me?" Vulnerability wavers in Eugene's voice. And even in his weary eyes.

"Mmhm." Nodding, Zach leans in closer. "What is it?"

"Can you teach me how to do nothing?"

After knowing Eugene for years, Zach's learned how to read the man. He understands what Eugene means by _'nothing.'_ More importantly, Zach understands this isn't an easy question to ask. He can feel restlessness almost vibrating in the man's body. Zach massages Eugene's arms to help calm him down.

"Well, aren't you lucky?" Grinning, Zach preens. "I'm the master of doing nothing, young padawan. We can start with this!" Zach moves Eugene around until the man's lying on his side. Zach's arms wrap around Eugene from behind. 

"What...are we doing?"

"Cuddling." Zach throws a leg over Eugene, and nuzzles into his neck. Softer, he adds, "I know it's been tough trying to sleep the past few days. For both of us."

Eugene finds Zach's hand, and holds it tightly. Eugene struggles to sleep, because of insomnia, anxiety and nightmares. But he can't imagine what it's like for Zach when his AS sometimes flares at night. It doesn't matter how many hours they stay up together. Eugene is always right there with him.

"I love you, Zach."

"Love you, too." Zach squeezes Eugene's hand, and curls up more against him. "I'm so happy to be with you, Gene. And that we can do nothing together." Soft laughter dances across the curve of Eugene's neck and shoulder.

Part of Eugene is grateful that Zach's spooning him. It means Zach can't see Eugene blinking back tears right now. This fierce, deep love for Zach can grow so overwhelming that Eugene doesn't know what to do. But there's another part of him that wants to kiss Zach. So, Eugene turns in the embrace until they're facing each other. His lips press lightly against Zach's forehead.

Sleepy blue eyes blink at him. Eugene's breathless. In the pale indigo light, Zach is beautiful. Even when Zach's hair is absolutely a mess, and the overlarge shirt collar's askew, no one has a grip on Eugene's heart like this man. Eugene leans in to kiss Zach softly. He adores the feeling of Zach's lips curving into a smile. Eugene can already taste the rising laughter. It's sweet, pure and kind. After the kiss breaks, Zach embraces the man tighter. Delighted sounds muffle against Eugene's chest.

For a few quiet moments, Eugene listens to the rain, and his partner's breathing. 

"Zach?"

"Mm?"

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

Zach goes still. When he finally remembers to breathe, his entire frame shudders. Blue eyes look up with a wide stare. Vulnerability and nervousness mix in the ultramarines. But hope burns stronger. "Gene...?" It's the first time they've directly approached this topic. Tears swim in Zach's eyes. "You mean like...?" His breath hitches on a sob. "Like how I want my future with you?"

Eugene nods. There's a secret smile he shows only for Zach. It's soft, gentle, and often accompanies held back tears. "Yeah. Like that."

Taking Eugene's face in his hands, Zach surges in for a kiss. Eugene pulls Zach on top as he lays on his back. They're both a mess of tears and laughter. The heated kiss simmers down into lazy melding of the lips. Zach's sleeve brushes over stray tears. When their mouths part, Zach nuzzles Eugene. He whispers three precious words. Eugene echoes them back with his whole heart.

The rain goes on. Eugene holds his partner closer. Zach runs his fingers through Eugene's dark hair.

"If you sleep, I'll wake you up with morning sex."

"Jesus Christ, Zach."

"I mean-- if you're into that, of course."

"I'm into _you,_ so yes." Eugene pauses. Then sighs. "But now, you've made falling asleep harder."

Zach shifts slightly against his boyfriend. When he feels what he's searching for, Zach laughs brightly. "So, it _is_ a pun."

A hand covers Eugene's burning face. "Oh, my god."

"Y'know--" Zach eases his leg between Eugene's thighs. "Another option is that we sleep afterwards. But you still do nothing."

Eugene fights back a low groan. After regaining some of his composure, he moves his hand away. The man blinks curiously. "What do you mean?"

Smiling broadly, Zach sits up, and straddles Eugene. "I'll show you." His hands run down Eugene's chest. "Y'know what's nice about thunder?"

As Zach moves against him, Eugene's breath hitches. "What?" His hands trace down familiar lines of Zach's contour.

Zach leans down to kiss Eugene's throat. "You can be loud as Hell, baby."

It's tempting to quip something back. But when Eugene catches a glimpse of that smile, and even a playful secret in those blue eyes-- all words fall silent. With a hand cradling the back of Zach's head, Eugene guides his partner in closer. They kiss slowly. Deeply. Zach gives an overabundance of love. It reminds Eugene that there's no rush. He can open up at his own pace. And Eugene can let himself fall into the joy of knowing Zach wants a future with him too.

Fears and anxieties quell under soft rainfall. Thunder surrounds them. In this hour between night and day, they savor every moment together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! ♡♡ I wanted to share a smaller Zagene story while I've been working on a more extensive, heavier piece (it focuses primarily on Zach, while building on themes from this fic.) Kudos, comments and all that wonderful stuff always make my day :) Thank you for supporting my work. Take care and stay safe! ♡♡♡
> 
> REFERENCES / INSPIRATION:  
> \- Fic title: [ 'Be Still' - The Killers](https://youtu.be/sc4I9MweBy4)
> 
> [ Disclaimer: This is 100% a work of fiction. Family members and supporting characters are fictional original characters. No association with the real Ryan Bergara, Shane Madej, Andrew Ilnyckyj, Steven Lim, Eugene Lee Yang, Zach Kornfeld, Ned Fulmer, Keith Habersberger, and any other mentioned RPF individuals. ]


End file.
